Surgery Day

I cannot believe the span of time which has flown by. It has been the quickest yet longest time of my life if that makes any sense. Holding down a full time day job, running my own business, tending to three precious girls and being the rock of support for my wife takes a lot of time. So tonight I'm pausing to reflect on my wife and the journey which we started so many months ago.

In my last post I said that I was going to use this as a blog where I'd post my feelings and lend some support to husbands going through as the lead support member for a wife fighting cancer. The truth is, I simply don't know how I feel. I've had to compartmentalize my feelings in such a way as to not disrupt any other area of my life. If I unwound it wouldn't be beneficial to anyone. Maybe that is my first piece of advice. Gentlemen, if you ever have to go through this with your spouse - suck it up and simply be a man. Keep the job sound and benefits secure. Take care of your children and answer honestly without scaring their tender hearts. No matter how scared you are, don't cry in front of them. Take a trip to home depot and cry in the power tool section. That is the one place that other men won't give two hoots if you're crying or not. You'll see many men sobbing over tools they can't afford and you'll fit right in. I've done it. I am not ashamed.

My wife started chemo on April 8, 2011 when she was 34. She had her second one on her 35th birthday, third on my birthday, 4th on a vacant weekend, 5 on july 4th weekend, and the 6th just before school started. It has been an emotional blender.

We started the morning of April 8th not knowing what to think, what to expect. I assumed my role as supportive husband and took my position in the waiting area outside the "Chemo Hut" as the brave patients at the hospital have coined the infusion room. By her side every step of the way sat her mommy - an eight year survivor herself. Time drug on and we were there for about 6 hours for her first treatment. It is amazing to me how much medicines have advanced in just the past few years. The doctors have been incredible - never scaring us, always informing us and I am humbled by their knowledge. With the first treatment over, now we had to wait to see what side effects would hit her. Everyone reacts differently.

As we settled into our routine, we somehow found ways to laugh. I know that laughter and positive attitudes really do make a difference. So I decided early on to be an ear when she needed to talk, be a shoulder when she needed to cry, but more than anything -provide a sense of normalcy and stability by acting like the same ole chubby dumbass just as I have for almost 10 years. 14 days in, I was shaving her head because her hair had started falling out just as her oncologist said it would. The preciseness of information is totally amazing to me.

This has been our routine over the past 5 months. Every three weeks like clockwork, we made the trip to the Chemo Hut for her treatments. She drug me on 2 mile walks after the first two treatments but we haven't been walking since. We need to start back up in a few but it has been really hot and she doesn't need that stress. Her last treatment was 5 weeks ago.

Neither cancer nor the medicines discriminate. Cancer doesn't care if you skinny, fat, black, white, nice, mean, a parent, a child, a spouse. The treatments don't care if it is a perfectly healthy cell, or a malignant tumor cell. The medicine's job is to kill everything. The only reason you don't die from chemo is because the healthy cells regenerate faster than the tumor cells. Still, chemo is brutal for the patients and it's heart breaking for the support team. My wife has the most gorgeous eyes, adorned by long eyelashes that just flutter and wave at you when she smiles. I can't wait for them to grow back. Of course, as always, my wife is simply stunning, with or without hair.

After the third treatment, we had to take her in for a bone scan and MRI. Both of these tests came back clear and I said many prayers of thanks. She also had a genetic test which came back negative and the HER2 test came back negative. From what the doctors could tell, her tumor would probably be a slow growing non-inflammatory type. That left us wondering how long she has already been a cancer survivor. You see, her doctors keep reinforcing that if you have lived one day with cancer, you are in fact a cancer survivor. Survival, Love, Faith, Hope. These are words which we have clung to for months. In fact, I wrap myself in them as a blanket each night as I drift off to sleep.

The MRI after the 4th treatment also showed that the tumors haven't shrunk that much. There are three tumors, 7cm, 1.3cm and 1.6cm on the right side and she tested positive for malignancy in the L1 lymph node in her armpit. The doctor told us that they probably won't shrink that much at this rate so he wanted to tweak her regimen and add Avastin to her IV bags. Avastin is actually a colo-rectal chemotherapy that is being used off label with good success in the treatment of breast cancer. It's controversial because it's really expensive. However - who cares what it costs as long as it works, right? I've had shots of Avastin in my eye for the treatment of a retinal hemangioma. However, I haven't had a whole IV bag. Just a little made me tired. Avastin specializes in basically cutting off the food supply for tumors and lets the main regimen really do its work. I knew at this point, she would be having more side effects and would more time to rest.

She proved me wrong. I am married to a cyborg of some sort. She is a machine who takes chemo, gets knocked down for a few days, picks herself back up and goes "ok now I need to get the girls ready for school, shop the thrift shops, refinish a few pieces of furniture..." She is incredible and has taught me how to be a better person in the last 4 months.

Chemos 4-6 just seemed to fly by and the doctors increased her Avastin dosage with each treatment. Somehow we found time to take a quick vacation to the beach even for just a few days. Sun, fun, giggles with the children, walks on the beach and time to unwind and take a deep breath. Then back to reality.

The last 9 weeks have been insane. Non-stop action with doctor appointments, school starting, family in town and even garage sales. You can't have nice summer days without a garage sale. During all of this she has refused to let cancer get her down. Sure she says she a little tired, in a little pain but she refuses to let his get her down. She fights like a girl and I am amazed that she has not really complained at all.

Tonight I sit in the hospital room watching her through this phase of her journey. I have the hum of the pneumatic bed and the glow of the laptop screen to keep me company and my friends and family on the internet to help keep my spirits up. I love you all for you words of encouragement and support. This has been a long, long day. This morning at 430am, we got up and grabbed the bag and headed to the hospital for her surgery. Since the tumors really didn't shrink that much we knew that she was facing a mastectomy. "Whatever it takes" has been her mantra since diagnosis. She lives by this every day. You see we have three of the most precious daughters that anyone could ever ask for depending on mommy getting better. Daddy depends on her getting better too.

Surprise visits from friends and family and new friends today have made it a lot easier on me. Thankfully she has rested well as the day has progresed. Seeing your spouse going through something like this is ... horrible. That is an understatement. I wish we had the technology to just take this cancer out of her and put it in me. Let me have to suffer the chemo and surgery, upcoming radiation and more surgery. Let me be the one laying in the bed in pain with drain tubes stuck in my side. Let me be the one.

But it doesn't work that way. Cancer is a honey badger - it simply doesn't care. All I can do is be supportive - no matter how scared or frustrated I am. I do this proudly and without ceasing - without question. God sent me an angel almost 10 years ago. He as seen us through quite a bit over the years and has never left our sides. Looking back, we may only see one set of footsteps but that is when He was carrying us when we could no longer walk by His side. I have no doubt what-so-ever that tonight He is in this room doing His miracles.

My wife is stunning. She is a beautiful warrior in pink. She is my teacher and I am her student, sitting here in utter amazement. If my feminine side is half the woman which she is, I am a better man. So gentlemen, for now, if you are reading this and starting down a similar journey I have one piece of advice. Suck it up and fight like a girl.